A Romanian hillside village

Raised in a hilly village off the beaten path with orchards and running creeks. Summers with torrential rain. Colorful Autumns with powerful winds that left the streets covered in walnuts, and branches. Winters were quiet, white, burning wood smoke in the air. Our almost square garden, the wind moving the trees, the strong scent of yellow pears, of black grapes, bees, butterflies. I kept track of flowers, fruits, leaves, their change in color, shape, texture. I tracked the wind, the temperature of the sun on my skin. I saw dark clouds roll over the garden I watched torrential rain from the window I saw sun rays after the storm warming up everything, shining a magic light Storms excited me, inspired me. They made me feel like making love. 
I went roaming on the hills. I went to the cemetery up the hill where the grass is high, the wind strong and I feel closer to the sky. I heard the story of a young girl nighbor, my cousin's friend, who died. I get horrified by death. I start seeing on people's walls photos with their dead parents, brothers, sisters even children. Death remains at the back of my mind, like a permanent  lense in my eyes I see through. 

Making love and babies

Babies 
I'm sensitive and shy. In church my brain tunes out all people. I become blind to seeing them, and deaf to hearing their talk. I sincerly ignore all people. I'm left with only me feeling my my breathing. We go three times per week to Pentecostal church . I'm  kept a bit in church, I'm given  to eat apple strudel or pumpking strudel wich I love. Then I'm sent to stay outside becasue inside it is too boring. Outside, in the churche's courtyard, there are the cute soft warm babies in their mother's loving arms. I can't have enough of watching them. When a mother is passing me by, my heart starts beating fast. I'm in awe of mothers. For me they are out of this world, the most important. Outside, there are the morning glories purple and white climbing the fence. They are beautiful and delicate. They get brused at the slightes touch. They open with the sun. I watch them. I want to catch them when they open. All the other kids were not allowed to stay outside and it was so painful to stay outside alone for so long with no one to play.  


My first love
 I'm inseparable from Adi the cute boy who lives across the street, who follows me with a love smile on his face. He is the only one I let touch my baby doll, he can even scratch it if he wants. We walk on the street for hours, arms around each other’s shoulders. We went up the hills so far out untill we said " we crossed the border in Serbia". That moment we looked at each other with a smile and scremed "we are lost!" and run back downhill  home as fast as we could. 
 By the time I am six, with the good and the bad I like myself. I feel secure under the sun and feel inside a drive to celebrate every day. The dream of making love and having babies makes me happy, drives me, its what's important to me, all that matters to me. Everything else I don't care either way. I love nature, seasons, and life so much but that's the background 

Moving to the city 

When I'm six, we sell the village house. We move to Timisoara a medieval city with cobblestone squares, fountains, theaters, cathedrals. With parks, rose garden, magnolia trees along the Bega River. We settle at the edge of the city, in a modest old house of clay, on a huge land in the cheapest neighborhood nicknamed "Gypsy neighborhood". We move with all the animals - pigs, goats, turkeys, ducks, rabbits, chickens, dog, cats, bees and all their houses. My new play kids are a big Christian musicians Gypsy family with kids my age. All the kids play all the instruments. We play music and watched horror movies at their house day in and day out until I started to be afraid of my own shadow.  Like in the village, we heat with wood. In the night the fire is off and is cold. We have duck feathers comforters; those are the warmest. I love the smell of smoke and the sound of wood beginning to burn in the cold dawn. The garden has more than sixty fruit trees - cherry, peach, apricot, plum, pear, medlar. Has a long pathway in the middle, covered in old grapevine, with strawberries on both sides. The garden becomes my heaven on earth. The place where I could feel peace and get in touch with myself and dream. Dream of the day I will be only with my lover and babies away from everyone and everything else.  

Music & falling in love with mountains

I sang fours years in kids church choir. I loved the Palm Sunday when we sang with lilac, tulips in our hands. The whole church smelled so good. Every Christmas we went singing carols two nights all night long until 6 am. We walked on streets, singing carols in exchange for tasty cookies and cakes filled with cream. Cream can be apples, pumpkin, lemon, cheese, walnuts, poppy seeds, chocolate, vanilla, maple, milk. Sometimes was snowing and we walked all night in the snow, slipping on ice, having our fingers frozen. We went in neighborhoods I never been to and in the night, some were so beautiful, strange and magical. Singing in the night on empty streets on four voices sounded divine. It felt like we were in a different world. With kids choir I went also in my first mountain camp. In that camp, I fell in love with mountains. With waking up in the mountain's strong fresh air, seeing dew on the grass and mist over the valley, hearing cow bells nearby, hiking for hours at a time, cooking on fire every night under the sky full of stars. When I was 14 I was to big for kids choir and had to move over to church orchestra where I played mandolin two years.

Hearing the mountain's call 

1992 Apuseni Mt, Romania
When I started going camps, I loved them. It was only hiking, berry picking, cooking, singing, with an occasional praying out loud which I dreaded. As I grew up the camps became, more bible study, more word games and only bible study and word games. And I can't stand at all bible study and word games. No hiking, no exploring the mountains around, no nothing exciting at all. Singing from 10 pm to 12 am around campfire, I would have loved to do if I only could. When 9 pm comes my body starts closing my body function one by one. By the time 10 pm comes I’m 75% asleep. In the mountain's strong fresh air, I felt like falling off the log I was sitting on, so I stood up, turned my back and went to my tent to sleep while everyone else was around the campfire. Behind my back I hear them screaming "don't dare wake up before 8!" When I was 15 I found myself skipping the bible study hours that were part of the camp. To escape those, I hid in the forest. In the forest was shade, was cool and quiet, there you could see magic sun rays hitting trees, you could feel a light breeze and hear the hypnotizing sound of wind through the leaves. Day after day I hid in the forest and nobody realized I was missing. I want to be invisible and it seems that I AM invisible. In the forest I heard the mountain's call. An overwhelming feeling inside to go explore all the mountains after my heart's desire, and I said Yes! I felt ready and confident I could backpack alone with some boy I could sleep with. A boy who looked appealing and wanted to come with me. Free to eat what I want when I want, sleep when I want as much as I want. That camp was my last camp. 

Getting back to my love life

When I was 16 I started dating again and got back my love life. I started dating multiple people. Labels don't mean anything to me, I live outside of society and love it this way. One man invited me to up the mountains to show me the mountains he grew up on and I sayed yes!  He tought me what food to buy, we borrowed two backpacks and a tent. We took a train, then  hitchiked our way up the montains as far as we could. Then we hiked up to the top. In the night we cooked polenta over an open fire and made love under the black  sky full the stars. We never met again. never expected too. We both wanted that experience, we had it and it stays alive with me. 
 The other lover was a city movie going sensitive, emotional who played in church orchestra with me, I played mandolin and he flute. He worked for a while in Germany painting houses and making lots of money. Wiping the sweat from beneath his curly hair said "I was not born to live in Romania; Romania is a dead end". The way he said it, touched me. School for me was unbearable, a daily pure torture in jail. I skipped classes from the start, copied at all tests, never done my homework.Teachers praise, threats or crticism did not register with me. I only got in trouble  badly once motsly becasue i had a bad atitude.  Maybe two more times but not bad becasue I kept my head down. I had to move schools once to save myself. I was desperate to escape college which by now felt like the electric chair. I had no heart, ability, strenght to deal with school-carrer-9 to 5 job. I felt quite horified about joining society in any way to make money. I thought that wiping tables overseas would make me more money than a professional can make in Romania. I decided to emigrate. I'm not sure I had an ego but I was about to try to get an ego, try to b ecome a somebody. My collision with this lover cured me of any ego for forever. After him, such  thoughts as becoming somebody never crosed my brain. I only cared about love, sex and money.  

Cute, Stylish

1994 Alba Iulia, Romania 
I keep falling for men who are cute and have style. I realize is a weakness of mine. I decide to smarten up. Next thing I know, I'm falling for another guy who is cute and has style. I stop trying to fight with myself and accept that I fall for cute men with style. Sometimes people call me  intelectually challenged becasue I can't talk about most anything. You can be intelligent in many ways. I feel deeply - that is a form of intelligence. Sensitive people understand differently. "All can hear, but only the sensitive can understand.”  Kahlil Gibran. Anyway, I started noticing something else. Some of the most psychologically unusual lovers I experienced were also unusually expressive about their appearance and style. It's easier to agree on what cute looks like. It's more of a visual thing. But when it comes to style, it's much more emotional, psychological, personal, coming from inside. There are people who are visually pleasing, put together from head to toe, or people who obviously have emotional sensitivity to aesthetics, uniqueness, and sophistication. They have style, but I don't like it. I like my own style the most. Then I get sick and tired of myself.

Thrill- On the way to Platinis, Romania

It was late November. The man I was with at the time and I took the 2:30 p.m. bus from Timisoara to Sibiu. We were supposed to arrive around 9:40 at night, sleep at the nearest hotel, and then catch the morning bus to Păltiniș, the small mountain ski resort. As the sun began to set, the bus started winding through mountain villages so beautiful they felt unreal. The houses were unlike anything I had ever seen. The streets, the architecture, the way people looked — everything felt different, almost like we had crossed into another country. Faces white as milk, blond hair, blue eyes. Transylvania seemed like a completely different world. Back in Banat, where I came from, people were mostly darker - dark eyes, dark hair, darker skin. Seeing those places inspired and excited me to extreme. I felt like wanting to see new faces and places at sunset my entire life. I felt I was going crazy overjoyed. A bit past 9.30 pm, we were driving through the night and I barely saw anything. It was only me and my boyfriend left in the bus, when the driver stopped and said "this is it, this bus doesn’t go any further". I look through the window and I see nothing, just pitch dark. We got off, the bus closed the doors and drove off so fast. I looked after it like "where is he going driving like a crazy". We found ourselves in a dark street with medieval buildings all around. No phone, no map. In any direction we looked it was the same, dark streets, old charming building, no people, no shops. We were dropped in the thick of a strange medieval suburb, or in a dream, not in a central location, not at the city's bus terminal as I expected. We had no idea which direction to go but it was dark, cold and we didn't have time. We started running straight ahead until the first corner. Then we had to pick a direction. We started to run towards more lit streets. For the next 2 hours that was all we knew " the next corner". We found a person and asked " Is this place Sibiu? Do you know a hotel close by? Yes was Sibiu! No hotel around. Which direction is the city center? That way! " So we ran that way until we lost direction again. Every corner I turned yet a another dimly lit stunning medieval street with old houses and cobblestone, underpasses, empty squares, old fountains, dark church walls, silent windows glowing faintly yellow behind curtains. I started laughing, drunk with joy, thrill and tiredness. Hopeless. We were not going anywhere. It was 11.30 pm, we stopped, I was sleepy and cold. Then a tiny woman opened a big door and got out from one of those old medieval houses. We asked if she knows a room for us to rent for the night. She said "come with me!". We followed her in another medieval house, went upstairs. The apartment had high ceilings and was so poorly lit I barely saw anything and I knew they were really poor. In the kitchen around the table there were three man and two women who looked at us suspiciously. The woman showed us a room on the left with old white big doors with glass and see through curtains. We asked when to pay now or in the morning? she said in the morning. We got in the room and I usually lock the door or put something heavy at the door but this time I didn't. I thought what does it matter, we are at their mercy. Went straight to sleep. In the morning I opened my eyes and thought first thing "I'm alive". We paid and left. Once in the street I felt good and safe, it was daylight and we had options. We found the bus terminal and caught the next bus to Paltinis on time 

Babies & Making Love & Love

Dating since I was 16, I was tired of falling in and out of love with people I did not even like. I didn't find true love and haven't come even close. I thought if a man is not true love at least he has to be cute and useful. I needed peace. I needed help. I was  so ready to have babies. Since I was four or five years old, I dreamed of making love and having babies, but words like marriage, being limited, honeymoon, cheating, social expectations don't exist in my vocabulary. I guess its coming from genuinely looking only at what I feel and being busy doing what I want and not looking what others say and do. I have a drive, a strong need, to be free to do what I need to do every moment, moment by moment. It gives me tremendous joy. I don't want anyone to take my joy of living in the moment, my joy of feeling myself in my body, my joie of life. I naturally like people like me and I don't see many like me. At twenty-one, I went looking for a dad for my babies and found one pretty fast. From the distance he looked super cute, stylish and easy, like a serene cloud floating about the crowd. There are interesting, appealing people in this world whom I'd love to sleep but I generally find them too dificult and scary and uncomforatble for me to come any close to them. I can feel a person from a mile away. I feel comfortable with whom I feel comfortabe. People went to warn him about me not only that I was sexually free and a perceived danger to some women but that I was also a dumb talking nothing but clothes and hair. Never talking politics. He knew I was sexually free and asked whether I would stop sleeping with other people, I said no. I loved myself too much, I loved my way of living too much, to give it up. I can be both loyal and free. I don't want to change myself. People who are sensitive, sensual, sexual at 16  or 18 will be the same at 85, 95, 105. You can't expect this people will change because they don't. I said “Take me as I am, or leave me to find someone who likes me as I am, somebody like me” He chose to take me as I was. I became the young mother of a beautiful girl and a beautiful boy, exactly as I had dreamed. 
I was never afraid of being alone. Even when I am 105 years old, I believe I can still find someone who wants to make love with an old, wrinkled woman like me. He will probably be old and wrinkled too. As long as we are alive, we are not ugly. A person can still feel so good even if ugly. 
For me a wedding feels like a circus for other people not for me. I never wanted to have a wedding I'm a shy person and asocial. I tried to wiggle myself out of it but I also can't say 'no'. We rented an over 100 years old beautiful church, kept the church service unsually short. Then I disappeared from the restaurant reception. I didn't mean to or planned to, it just happened. A cousin "stole" me and we went to her house and stayed there. She said the tradition (I never heard of) is that the bride is stolen and the groom needs to find her. We stayed and stayed at her house and the groom never came. We finally called him to see if he is still searching and he ordered me back to restaurant angered to no ends, where the guests were still there.

 

Still hooked on my true love dream 
At the end of wedding reception I felt a deep pain in my heart for not finding "true love" , whatever that feeling means, because even though I don't truly believe in true love and most people never find it in their lifetime, was still at the back of my mind, still a dream since I was 4 or 5.  It's a dream I can't escape. It drives me. I hold tide to my dream because it's all I have. But then I don't believe my dream. I don't think I believe dreams at all. I don't know where dreams come from. And then I think is foolish to wait, to waste your time and life for something that may not exist, something maybe idealistic, something you may never find. I think it's good to keep the dreams at the back of your mind but to also to get your hands as you go on anything you can, anyone that feels so good, anybody apealing, exciting, anybody who is comfortable, helpful. I know that the best time to prepare for the future is living your life today. 
True love in my mind is a fucking experience that feels in a certain way. Feels the best can be. Maybe feels like somebody gives you a kiss on your pussy but you love the person. Maybe sex + love= true love. Love is so abstract, what does it even mean. I guess I'll know when I'll experience. A dream of person who's in tune with me and I'm in tune with him. We don't need to talk because we both deeply feel and completely understand each other. A person who likes me the most and I like him the most. A person with whom  I feel like the whole world had disappeared and I'm only me and him living on earth surrounded by beautiful nature, rain, storms, snow, seasons and nothing else. I may be looking for myself in a masculine form. 
There is an anonymous saying that true love is like a pair of socks: you need two, and they have to match.
For someone who craves both intense emotional connection and excitement, love + sex,  feels qualitatively different to me. Not simply like two good things added together, but like something belonging to an entirely different category of experience.
Sex alone is easy enough to find. It can be exciting, intoxicating, even extraordinary for a while. But without emotion, it can eventually become repetitive, mechanical, almost like a drugery. The excitement burns brightly, but there isn't necessarily anything underneath it to keep the fire alive. No deep sense of belonging. The body is there, but the heart isn't fully there with it. Sex without emotional attachment feels empty.
And being love-bombed and falling in love can be easy too. Its wonderful compared with being alone, bored , or merely passing time with same old family, friends, pets or television.  
Loving someone is way harder to find. Love gives me that feeling of emotional belonging, the feeling of "my man", tenderness, attachment, the sense that this particular person matters to me in a way other people don't. But love without sex, feels like dirt in my eyes. Even more annoing than empty sex. Love without sex is pointless, cold and exausting. Love without sex is maybe frindship and life is short I don't have time and energy for  friendships. I love love too much 
Love + sex feels qualitatively different to me. Not simply like two good things added together, but like something belonging to an entirely different category of experience.
 At the end of the day I've been practicing the art of love in any way all my life. 
I don't know whether true love is real.
I don't know whether dreams mean anything.
I don't know whether the feeling I imagine exists.
But I know the feeling, the dream exists inside me.
And I don't want to sit around waiting for a dream.

Bob Dylan

My first Bob Dylan Concert
 In 2012 I discover Bob Dylan and I say: this person is like me. Like sort of looks, feels, thinks, behaves somehow familiar. A current of overjoy goes through me from top to toe. I feel liberated. I don't need to change myself to fit society, not that I even tried yet but I thought I might have to once I start work. If he managed to make serious money being himself, so different from society, I can too. Over the years I went back to him again and back to him again and got to know more and more about him. I watched him remain- so cute all across his life. He's first of all exciting. He feels like the sun. Looks cunty, inspiring, gutsy, intensely alive, with fire (passion), with light (wisdom), extra energy, soulful, unconventional, led by his heart not by the crowd, sensitive, with personal style, with feeling for what looks best, sounds best, productive, wealthy. Cares to live the best life can be like me. He is so wise, says things better than anyone. I don't want to miss a thing he says. Romania is a beautiful country, but I found a beautiful man in America. He feels like "my man" (I felt twice before "this is my man" with two other men), like something of myself, like he best since this Universe. Before, I said—I’ll recognize him when I see him. Now I know the type of men I like. What can be better in this life than a fine, fine person. I like his face, it feels familiar to me. The way he moves feels so good to me. I've been to seven of his concerts, and simply sharing the room with him fills me with energy. He feels so good to be aorund. I want to feel every day this way. I would love to find someone who feels so exciting. Someone so intensely alive, passionate, full of zest for life, with personal style, someone who follows their heart instead of the crowd. Someone who looks, feels, thinks as good as Bob Dylan. Someone to sleep besides, eat with, walk down the street with. 

Astoria, OR roaming  & Thích Nhất Hạnh 

2018
 After spending my entire life deaf and blind to most people, here comes Thích Nhất Hạnh . the only person who gets complety trough  to me. I want to know everything everything he says. All I learn from him helps me more than I can say. All I wanted to know I found out about but deeper. I discoverd him in 2018 and I read him so much that I kwo his words by heart. It's funny that I feel sensuality in my body and in my life and then I'm paying attention to a monk. Thích Nhất Hạnh has this practice of living in the moment touching life deeply wich is what I crave too. ﻿

My Jeep & Condo

2022My Jeep
Got my brand new Jeep. I always wanted a Jeep and never thought of another car. I love cool stylish cars that look so good but I love my Jeep by far the most. There is no car that I like second best. It's not easy to drive because is essentially a truck but I got used with it. People who ride with me ask "how can you drive this truck everywhere". I love it, that's how. Hitting the road makes me instantly feel so much better. In the car my entire life is resetting, like is spring again. I feel like myself. When I get in my Jeep, turn the music on and I get so happy, excited and I start dreaming, like the whole world is a playground. Being on the road every week makes me happy. It makes me hopeful of true love, of people with zest for life who've always followed their heart, vagabonds, romance and adventures, of seeing new faces and new places. It makes me believe that something exciting is going to happen to me. I just go, and go, and I feel myself at my truest and on my path. Going is the medicine that keep me free, sane, happy and loving. Every time I don't feel great I get going and i instantly feel better. 
With the Jeep: I didn't compare, rank, or window-shop other cars against it. I found the one that fit, and once it fit, the question of alternatives just stopped mattering. Same shape with Bob Dylan -it's not that I evaluated people  and he won a contest. He hit something exact. "Second best" is a category that doesn't apply.

My condo
Roaming so much, on the road  can be expensive and exausting after a while. Bought a tiny two-room condo—the cheapest I could find—a place that belongs only to me. A space to retreat, recharge, recenter, be free and stay completely true to myself and my dreams. I  can truly relax only alone. A place I can eat in peace with gusto like a wild animal wich it seems in this society I'm not allowed as its not apropriate. I can eat junk food wich I'm also criticized for. A place I can go to sleep at 10 pm and wake up at 6 am wich its also  out of sync since most people go to sleep later. Owning a home, having posesions feels like a drag. The posesions start to posses me. I'm moving to LA to hustle in the sun and not sure I want to buy anything anymore. Renting sounds good for me but I need money to keep renting. 

Alaska

2023 
I'm landing in Anchorage, Alaska. I drive to Talkeetna where I see all the neighbors going and coming home by little airplains. I drive to Cantwell , next day I drive to visit Denaly Mountains wich can be visited only by bus. I take a bus and the bus driver points to a moose resting on a piece of unmelted snow and says "the moose is conserving energy". I thought I'm a lot like that moose. I try to get next to Valdez but the car breaks down so I go back for a night to Anchorage to get another car. With a new car I drive all the way to Valdez barely making it before the dark becasue there was al lot of puring rain, rivers and melted snow washing roads and many roads were in construction. The nature is very peaceful and wild. I get to Valdez and I get inspired and I fall in love with it. There are no traffic signs becasue there is barely any car. I said I want to live exactly here. While in Valdeze there is an earthquake I feel. It was only one jolt. From Valdez I need to get to Girdwood but I refuse to drive the same road I just came on. I want to go all around by ferry even though I know the online ferry tickes got sold out months ago. I go to the ferry station and there are no tickets but they said the day of departure to come at 5 am to get a walk in ticket wich won't gurantee that my car will have a place but to try. I wake at 4 am and try to be at 4:40 am before others to get a ticket but I was late. In front of me there were already some kayakars and two other cars. By 8 am they manged to fit all the cars on the ship except my car and a motorcycle. Finally they signal to drive the car and I see that the only place left was barely to fit my car and the motorcicle. They fit all the cars so tight and with such precison that there was barely any space left all around my car on the ship. I aboultely love the ferry ride. Is bumpy, is cold, is splashy, is scary, is rainy, I love the ship food, I love it all. I get off at Whittier and drive to Girdwood, a ski resort I want to check out. I love the ski resort and I say I want to come to ski maybe I will even see the northlights. From Girdwood I drive to Seaward and from there I do Kenai Fjords National Park Cruise wich was exciting and inspirational. The boat captain, was one of the most passionate about nature, fun, exciting and cool persons I have ever seen and he was actually from Tillamook, Oregon where I live some times. Tillammok is a bit like in a diferent world. Mountain people and cruise captains are some of the most appealing and exciting people on earth. There is something about wilderness and people who live in wildernesss that make life feel so real and exciting. 

Tuscany country side 

2024 Tuscany country side Peaceful countryside all around, an old stone house with red brick floors, beautiful art, an old piano, and wood-burning fireplaces. In this place I immediately got in touch completely with myself, became one with nature and my dream and the whole world, and any sense of time completely disappeared. I thought: this is how I want to live and feel for the rest of my life. I could see myself living in nature with my lover through spring blossoms, summer heat and rain, autumn winds, and quiet winters forever. 
What's left of our village house

Livin' The Most Beautiful Feelin' Love, Making Love, Mindfulness & Hustling for Bread- Nothing else Not talkin', not thinkin' - just feelin'

A Romanian hillside village

Making love and babies

Moving to the city

Music & falling in love with mountains

Hearing the mountain's call

Getting back to my love life

Cute, Stylish

Thrill- On the way to Platinis, Romania

Picture perfect

Babies & Making Love & Love

Australia

America

Bob Dylan

One inspiration

No time

Seattle, WA roaming

Astoria, OR roaming & Thích Nhất Hạnh

Road trip in America

My Jeep & Condo

Charles Buckowski & Jack Kerouack

Alaska

Tuscany country side

2026